Okay, look. I know that humans thrive on making up ways to keep other humans from living their lives in peace, but the whole gay marriage ‘debate’ needs to stop. It’s not a real debate – it never has been. On one side you have ‘treat humans like they’re humans’ and on the other you have ‘keep some humans lower class and enjoy discrimination.’ It’s ridiculous. The gays are not coming for your heterosexuality. Letting them marry each other will affect your marriage like eating Japanese food will turn you into a Japanese person. And for the love of God stop throwing around the phrase ‘traditional marriage’ like it’s some kind of magic spell. ‘Traditional marriage’ was an exchange of property – a daughter for money and goods – as agreed upon by two old men in place of giving the daughter (and sometimes son, but often it was the man old enough to be the bride’s father) a choice. And you know what? Give it a generation and your homophobia won’t fucking matter. Your children are growing up without your prejudices and you can’t stop them. Give it up now and stop making yourselves look like bigger asses than you have.
Jason, server, UWS
I’m flattered by your displays of civility. I really am. In a city where everyone is just plain mean, I’m humbled by the fact that you would hold a door open for me. But when I’m a good five paces behind you, it becomes something of an inconvenience. Because now I have to run – perform that awkward half lumber/half jog – just to accept this chivalrous gesture. It’s not helpful for me, it’s not helpful for you. For once, just let the door slam in my face.
Mary, confectioner, Hendon
Everyone thinks that today’s society enables them to be jaded and experienced. In some way or another, we all think we’re special and that we’ve been through just as much as everyone else. Well, ladies, that’s absolute bullshit. I can tell you now that you have absolutely nothing in common with those who’ve experienced true hardship. It’s ridiculous to think that just because you couldn’t salvage enough from your paycheck to do your weekly mani-pedi, you think you are going to be destitute. This world is chock full of people who have nothing and have been through the ringer. No, ladies, just because you’re thirteen pounds overweight doesn’t mean you can hold it against the world. It doesn’t mean you can identify with rape victims, destitute single mothers, or the homeless. Sure, the economy’s in trouble and life isn’t exactly a walk in the park, but appreciate what you have now. Who knows what you’ll have in the future?
Angelina, writer, Hell’s Kitchen
Dear Starbucks: you make me want to be a different person. And no, I don’t mean a better person or a more admirable person. I mean literally a different person, with a different name and a different identity. How else should I cope with the fact that you butcher my name every morning? Why do you even bother to ask for a name if you’re going to slaughter it? – just give me an order number. That’s way less embarrassing than having to respond when you call out ‘Tara’ or ‘Tyra.’My name is Tiernan. It’s not phonetically that difficult and I’m most definitely a man. My parents did not hate me enough to name me a girl’s name. But you do, Starbucks. You hate me. And I think it’s probably time to break off our relationship – Dunkin’s is closer to my apartment anyway.
Tierman, storeman, Park Place
To the woman at the Bloomingdales’ fragrance counter: When I walked into your store, I had intended to purchase gloves, and maybe a scarf or two. What I did NOT expect, intend, or desire was to be gangbanged by a myriad of floral scents that, while maybe pleasant individually, combine to create an olfactory nightmare of monstrous proportions. I appreciate that, while I find it unpleasant, it is your job, but until being a cheap parisian prostitute is MY job, I ask that you keep your fragrance to yourself.
Barry, dancer, Battery Park
Woah! You really think my ass looks great in these pants? Thanks, creepy man riding a bike on 7th Avenue! You made my day! You know, I was feeling really self conscious about my body today, so it was so nice for you to reassure me that you’d love to do a lot of dirty things to my behind. I was starting to give up on men! Seriously, I was! I was about to become a bona-fide lesbian until you came along and restored my faith in humanity. You know, you really should continue riding around the city screaming obscenities at women. We’re all pretty down on ourselves and you really know how to make a lady feel attractive by sexually accosting her. And after you finish doing some more of your ground breaking work, how about you jump off a bridge and die? Because now that I think about it, that would make me feel a whole lot better.
Jo, model, Chelsea
I know it is so New York to be late for everything and so Midwest to complain about it but how about you waste your own fucking time and not mine. Because the chances are if you don’t have the respect for me to organize your affairs so as not to encroach on my affairs you are probably not worth my effort. How’s about that.
Pete, consultant, Astoria
At what percentage of migraines per thousand citizens will it be made illegal to wear chemicals on our bodies; perfume, cologne, deoderant (it all smells like flyspray) that severly affect our fellow Americans. Smoking’s gone the journey; Stinky food on subways is not only unacceptable, it’s illegal; Why is it okay for someone’s arbitary choice of cover-up chemicals (or their idea of a sexy or cute ‘fragrance’) to kill the other 15 people in the elevator. And if you think this is another curb on your freedoms think about other smells in enclosed spaces. Even last nights curry smells (from whichever end of the alimentary canal) however pungent don’t often have that lingering nerve-gas-attack affect.
Joan, teacher, Gramercy