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Marriages…

Written by admin, 11 months ago, 0 Comments

…Are Not Always What They Seem.

Open relationships are a tricky business.  Classic ideals believe women and men mate for life and raise their children to do the same. Modern times tell a different story. Our society is taking its sweet time toward the altar, opting instead to enjoy more of its twenties and even thirties as the “free-man.”

So where does that leave us loser relationship-types who like to share the bed? Forever banished to the sidelines, with occasional trips under the bleachers and then what, more of the same? To hell with that! When 50% of marriages end in divorce and only 31% of marriages last after an affair is discovered, I think it is time to re-evaluate this whole marriage-monogamy situation.

My Open Relationship started with a request from me. Women are soft, smooth, and they have a mind above their waist. All of my same-sex encounters left me wishing for more. However, I had never incorporated my interest in the ladies with anyone I was seriously involved with. It just didn’t seem wise.

Then I met Captain Awesome. Captain Awesome weaved his way into my entire way of life and all other desires were forgotten for awhile.

In the second year things got comfortable. Sex I once thought could never cool down settled into a cozy, predictable routine.My precious alone time in the house was devoted to surfing lesbian porn. For almost three months, I sat unhappy. Captain Awesome and I continued our descent into the rut that ruled our lives and the space grew between us.

When open relationship first entered the conversation it didn’t go very well and “Girlfriend on the Side” got the big No. Feeling rejected and embarrassed, I let that space grow bigger, along with my need for some same sex love. Fantasies turned into full-blown hallucinations and escort ads started flirting with me. I was facing a long dark hallway of monogamy and wanted to run the other way.

The first time I considered cheating, I placed an ad on AdultFriendFinder.com. AFF allows members to post profiles and search for like-minded people in their area. I wanted to find “A Friendly, Laid-Back Companion Looking For Some Discreet Fun.”

Captain Awesome found it the next day.

He was pretty upset and I was left with a mouth full of salad peeking out from my fully floored jaw. After I swallowed my bite and processed the embarrassment of realizing he had seen my profile, seen my photo, seen my “interests,” he wanted to know if I had cheated and if I wanted to see other people.

The answer was and still is a firm NO. Captain Awesome is a rare find among men and my she-claws are dug in deep. That said I’m not against getting a little sluttish with the ladies. So I slid all my chips to the middle of the table in a single sentence.

“I want to share our bed with another woman. I really, really do and if you don’t think you can handle that you should get out of this now because it is going to happen whether you like it or not.”

The moment my lips closed around the “t” in “not” I lost 8,000lbs of worry weight. There, it was out there. I’m vag-crazy. What he wanted to do with that was up to him. Captain Awesome sat for a moment and let my words sink in. I waited for our relationship to end. He said ok. He was in it for the long-haul and didn’t mind if there were a few kinks along the way.

The worst part was over and I had made my confession but the real work was about to begin. Agreeing to something is easy. Watching the idea bloom into action is quite another matter. It is a complete life-altering situation. My mind filled with all sorts of questions. I wished on an eyelash that Captain Awesome and I did not travel the path towards destruction.

To make sure we were armed with a breadth of knowledge on the subject, we did some research on the Internet, posted a profile on AFF, bought a couple of books and took a few field trips. One of our trips included a stop at the Museum of Sex where I found Shecky’s Erotic New York: The Best Sex in the City. Erotic New York includes a section on bars and private parties for single women and couples looking for an erotic night on the town, as well as strip club reviews, DVD shops and lingerie stores. Hopefully, it will get more use than my Not For Tourists Guide.

When I put an AFF profile up for a second time, there were all sorts of concerns from Captain Awesome. As an employee for the state, he can’t be too conspicuous with his sextra-curricular activities. I assured him we would be as discreet as possible and I would let him proofread our “What We Like” section. Candle wax and light bondage got the axe.

He was also concerned with the pace of our new adventures. In his mind I think he had visions of me posting the profile and opening our apartment door five minutes later for Bridget, your friendly neighborhood fuck-buddy. Once again, I let him know we would be as discriminating as possible and he would have final say over anyone I found interesting.

Our first search for profile matches on AFF was mildly embarrassing. Here we were, openly discussing my bi-sexual tendencies and pointing out attractive women together. Our shit-eating grins giggled the whole time and after that awkward beginning Captain Awesome now encourages me to flirt with women, stating that I am going to have to be aggressive to get what I want. Dr. Ruth over here.

It struck me that this was a huge step in our relationship. Stipulating our demands in a House Rules fashion allowed us to air our jealousies and insecurities in a constructive manner. Our honesty with one another took front position out of necessity. We HAD to tell one another what we could deal with and what would send us packing or risk hurting them down the line.  If you are not into butt sex in a latex body suit say so or expect to be wrapped like a condom.

All this honesty struck me with a conclusion about the whole experience to date. Opening one’s relationship is an awakening. The first step may be hearing our deepest and most secret sexual desires out loud but as this continues, the higher awareness of each other leaks into all aspects of life together. Communication as a whole is strengthened.

A few weekends ago, Captain Awesome surprised me with a trip to the strip club. Both titty-bar virgins, we stepped through the door pink from a flushed face and smirking like two high school boys. We paid our cover and walked through a second pair of doors letting them swing shut, cutting out the flourescent glare of reality and cocooning ourselves in the misty purple hue of g-strings and lap dances.

Sitting together we watched Two Girls for One on poles situated behind the bar. I tipped each dancer (‘cause someone has to put them through college) placing singles shyly into the soft crease of their cleavage. We sat there, pointing out our favorites and watching each other appreciate the entertainers. An hour and a half later, we grabbed the train home, our wallets $120 lighter but laughing all the way home about our night together at Checkmates.

It was after this field-trip that I had my second conclusion. Although open relationship is generally used to categorize someone’s sexuality, the meaning could also include mental intimacy. Each new endeavor we pursue in our open relationship allows us to bond with one another in a new way. Our inside jokes formed a new language.

We are still waiting for our first encounter, as the pickins on AFF are pretty slim and we are both very shy. Until that time comes, we stand together, emotionally naked, open to all possibilities and feeling grateful for a partner. Our conversations are energized again and we share much more of our opinions with each other than before. I don’t know if our escapades will ever cross over into the three-person realm but even if it doesn’t, I’m happy knowing that the kink inside of me doesn’t have to hide anymore.