Hey you, mr thirty-something with he stupid look on your face, I can tell you that the incessant dual tone electronic bleeb that is now driving you insane is emanating from somewhere deep inside your body where the sun don’t shine. I know this how? Because to loud applause and enthusiastic cheering from the rest of your fellow passengers on the N train, I have just stuffed the electronic device with the moronic 1st-grade-students game (that has kept your third-grade brain busy for nine stops) as far up you ass as is possible to get without major surgery. So sue me.
Joey, mason, Queens.
What happened to good old-fashioned, casual sex. Quick. Dirty. Done. Get in, get out, and on with your day. No emotions, no strings, nothing but mind- blowing sex with a handsome stranger or even a friend. Those days are gone. Why? Because quite recently, I’d say within the past 5 years, there has been a switch in gender behavior. The new generation of young adults have taken gender stereotypes and turned it on its head. I am talking about the way men and women interact with each other; more specifically, the power dynamic between them. Women are taking charge, and leading a revolution. We are Amazons on a sexual rampage, no longer weighed down by feelings and insecurities. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” We’re too busy, with work, with school, with family, with friends, basically with our lives to compromise our lifestyle to accommodate the needs of men. Men, on the other hand, seem to have become these sensitive creatures that cringe and cry wolf at every harmless jab that is thrown their way. “What do you mean you want ‘just sex’?” “Why don’t you want to be exclusive?” “Can’t we talk about this?” Yes, that is all I want from you. No, I do not want to be your girlfriend. And no, this is not up for discussion. Either get with the program, or step aside. Please, and thank you!
Zooey, actor, Hell’s Kitchen
Why is Congress’ s approval ratings so low? What exactly are they doing wrong? We live in this democracy folks where every person’s vote carries the same weight and relevance (as it absolutely must!.) So it seems, certainly from recent elections, congress reflects fairly accurately the political makeup and hue of the USA. Whatsmore the entrenched positions on display can be followed so accurately on a political map and that map when colored red and blue shows why we appear to have such a problem with intransigence and stubbornness. North and south; urban, suburban and rural; inner city and gated community. So why do we castigate our representatives when they merely fulfill the promises made to their supporters. No, if you really want members of congress to engage with each other – both in the House and the Senate – and have an informed debate on the life changing (-threatening) social, financial and international problems of the day how about we ask the electorate to have an informed debate on choosing those members. What’s so radical about that. After all to take part in the traffic system in America you have to reach a certain level of maturity and ability. You have to pass a driving test. Nobody questions the sense or morality of this. It would be irresponsible to do so. So why in an equally critical and far more wide reaching circumstance we let our citizens loose on the ballot just because they come of age (chronologically speaking). I understand that the principle of democracy is sacrosanct – and so it should be – and that everyone deserves a say – and they should have it – but surely before letting anyone loose on this highway with such a powerful vehicle shouldn’t they be asked to demonstrate some understanding of the issues? Isn’t this the least our system deserves? But until we address this patently obvious anomaly in our electoral system, we’ll keep doing what we’re doing and keep getting what we’re getting.
Penny, student, Inwood.
Yoga pants and leggings are by far the greatest piece clothing invention of this generation. As a guy, I appreciate the not so subtle bodily image you girls give me. What I don’t appreciate is being reprimanded for oggling at what you clearly are just putting out there for the whole world to see. Oh really, they’re comfortable? They’re good for exercise, don’t restrict your movements. That is all well and good; but yoga pants, leggings, and jeggings, make it very difficult to pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth. In fact, they make it hard to pay attention to anything other than our ass. So don’t expect me to listen to what the recap of your day if you’re wearing them or if they are in my peripheral vision. I’m a guy, we think about sex constantly and unconsciously. We even try and make the effort to put it out of minds for a good 15 minutes. But when we see a girl bend over in yoga pants, it’s pretty much game over. No filiters. Just blinders. White light. The heavens open up and I have been saved by a high end tight ass. So don’t get mad if I stare or zone out. I’m not creeping, I’m just appreciating. Don’t like it? Then don’t wear them.
Matt, salesman, Midtown
So let’s talk about Tinder/OkCupid competition. You’d like to think that there isn’t a downside to these apps that are built to raise any girl’s self-confidence, with strangers messaging you requesting sex at all hours of the day and night, but like anything else, there is. Competition. I constantly feel it with my roommates – who say “I thought my Tinder was broken when I swiped right and didn’t get a match.” Tinder is supposed to make me feel like the strong, powerful independent woman I am goddammit!
May, nanny, UES
Do your pick up lines work? Ever? I mean those ones you shout at me on the street. Do other girls really stop what they’re doing to start chatting you up because you whistled at their legs and couldn’t keep your mouth shut? Because it’s funny, I don’t remember my legs asking for your opinion. When you asked for the time and I gave you an answer, I did NOT invite you to follow me several blocks. Oh, I’m not smiling enough for you? Maybe whether or not I’m smiling is none of your business. Maybe you telling me to smile because YOU want to see it is not making my day any better. I’m reading on the goddamned train because I want to finish my book, not because I’m using it as a prop to get you to talk to me. Women are not on this earth to please you, nor to smile and be nice to you, and maybe you should really reconsider what you’re doing. Because no, you are not just trying to make me feel good about myself or whatever shit you want me to believe. Every time you leer at me in the street you’re demanding that I take time out of my day to give you attention and I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe you a damn thing.
Loiusa, trainer, UWS
Gob-shite is phrase in common usage in the UK and not as a term of endearment or of admiration. Gob is a colloquial term for the mouth and shite is… well shite. Ergo a gobshite is someone whose verbal utterances are categorized as less than erudite. But it is also used as a form of dismissal for someone who has a researched and informed opinion on various issues; someone who often prevails in a discussion; often to turn the focus from issues to personalities in an attempt to deflect attention from inferior argument. Not an uncommon tactic by the ignorant… or politicians. It has its equivalent in the US political arena where an education can be unashamedly claimed to be elitist (usually by those with a first class degree), academics are seen as non-productive and a knowledge of the world in some twisted view as un-American. How can we claim a place at the adult’s table when we are unabashed in our preference for making money by whatever means over the ability to think. It brings to mind that old chestnut about the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Marina, clinician, West Village
Girls, we appreciate your adorable, weird and occasionally annoying quirkiness. We like that you change your hair and your make up to shake things up. But what’s with the duck face? The one of very few faces that is not even remotely attractive on any female. Not Eva Mendes, not Scarlet Johansson, not even Oprah can pull off pursed lips and make it look cool. That should speak volumes. You may think it looks sexy and cute all at the same time. But take this coming from a guy, it looks stupid! It looks like you’re trying too hard to get kissed. Like the freeze frame of Alfalfa trying to kiss Darla in The Little Rascals. And those kids hadn’t even hit puberty yet. Ladies, we’re men. If we want to kiss you, you’ll know. There will be signs and plenty of not so subtle hints. Til then, put Daffy Duck away. It’s not cute, it’s annoying. Stop SnapChatting to us. We don’t want to see it on Facebook. We don’t want it anywhere near our line of sight. Just roll the dice and let your face hang naturally. That’s the more attractive option, and that’s definitely the one we’re gonna take home.
Geoff, construction, Hendon
It’s great that my boss are I are friends. Actually, it’s awesome because I never get written up and I have an awesome schedule. But sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it, really. I get that it’s against the rules, but since people have started finding out that we hang out outside of work, you’ve just been riding my ass! Everyone slips up every once in a while, but anytime I do it’s like you feel like you have to make an example out of me so that it doesn’t look like you’re cutting me any slack. All because we have things in common outside of work and mutually enjoy discussing these things over drinks a few times a week. But also, you’re my boss so I don’t know how to talk to you about this issue without work starting to really suck for doing so. I don’t know what to do! Quit? No way, I have it too good here. Ugh!
Laura, retail, Park Slope